The Day After Election Day: a public service announcement

Two friends on a park bench are hanging out in a park on a bench.

Sally: Bob, did you vote? Did you vote after all?

Bob: Chill, Chiquita. It wouldn’t have made a difference.

Sally: (gasp) What!?!

Bob: I said, “Noooo di-fer-rence!”

Sally: I can’t believe you! Even after an apparition of Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior, himself appeared here in the park as an apparition to me and you yesterday here on this park bench?

Bob: Man, I thought that was just some grotty ’shrooms.

Sally: Oh, you disgust me. I suppose you were groveling in front of your computer monitor again, corrupting what’s left of your character with pornographic images again.

Bob: Bet I know who you voted for, Ms. Petticoats. As for my porn, people get blood clots from standing in lines. I don’t want that to happen to my extremities from lack of activity.

Sally: Now you’re disgusting me even more.

All of a sudden an apparition of Martin Luther King, Junior, appears suddenly in the park and stands in front of Sally and Bob on the park bench.

Sally: (gasp) My goodness! It’s Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior! Again!

MLK: Yes, Sally! It is me! Again!

Sally: What are you doing here, again?

MLK: I sensed your blood was boilin’ again, Sally, for one thing.

Sally: Yes, Bob here couldn’t be bothered to vote! Can you believe it?

MLK: Well, yes, there’s that. But what I’m really here to talk about is this porn thing. So Bob--

Sally: But voting! What about voting?

MLK: Oh, poor Sally. Of course votin’ matters, in some abstract, meaningless, no-child-left-behind sort of way. But less than 40% of young Negroes bother to vote at all, and if they don’t care, why in mercy’s name should you? Time to smell the coffee, sugar-plum.

Sally: But -- but then why did you bother to appear yesterday here to urge Bob to vote in the park?

MLK: Well, we have to go through the motions.

Just then, an apparition of J. Edgar Hoover appears suddenly, wearing a conservative suit and tasteful chandelier earrings.

Sally: (gasp) My goodness! It’s former FBI Director and transvestite J. Edgar Hoover! What are you doing here?

JEH: I still like to keep an eye on Martin, here. That, and -- (excited) oh, I’m all aflutter! Is it true? (breathless) I heard Liza was getting married again!

Sally: How can you care about a thing like that at a time like this?

JEH: (indignant) Young woman! If we stop caring about Liza and her weddings, the terrorists will have won.

MLK: Hello, Jedgar.

JEH: Hello, Martin.

MLK: That’s a lovely shade of rouge.

JEH: (defensive and insincere) I’m not wearing rouge.

There follows an awkward silence.

MLK: So anyway, Bob, like I was meaning to say, any groovy web sites you could recommend? I’m partial to Orientals--

Bob: Uh, I’m a little uncomfortable--

MLK: Son, I may have missed out on the full tide of the sexual revolution, but men don’t change. (laughs)

Bob: (laughs knowingly) You might try, um, www wutz-yer-sin dot com.

MLK: Really? Sounds happ’nin’!

JEH: Martin! You know my feelings about race-mixing. Although I’m not sure that intercourse between Negroes and Orientals would count--

MLK: Jedgar, you of all people are hardly in a position-- OH! Great Heavens! I must leave you now. I sense a great stirrin’ in the Aether -- someone’s just uploaded another Paris Hilton video!

JEH: That whore has no fashion sense whatsoever! Simply atrocious! Did you see what she was wearing in that last one?

MLK: I saw what she wasn’t wearing. Mm-mm!

Sally: (gasp) Dr. King!

Bob: So the man has a fantasy--

Sally: That’s just cheap.

MLK: Farewell, my child. I must depart.

Suddenly, the shade of Doctor Martin Luther King, Junior, disappears. The remaining three stand silently for a moment.

JEH: My, this is awkward. (chuckles nervously) I imagine you’re wondering why I’m still here. Clyde was supposed to pick me up. (looks at his watch) Well, I’m certainly not going to hang about in the park like some trolling degenerate. If he appears -- Mr. Tolson, tall, blond, piercing blue eyes -- tell him to meet me at Frederick’s -- of Hollywood.

Suddenly, just then, J. Edgar Hoover disappears suddenly. Sally and Bob stare at each other with their eyes.

Bob: That was weird. What next?

Suddenly, just then, the shade of Charles Lindberg appears suddenly.

Sally: (gasp) My goodness! It’s celebrated aviator and anti-Semite, Charles Lindberg.

CL: Howdy, folks. Say, either of you seen Henry Ford?

Sally: No, sorry.

CL: Goll dang it. We were s’posed ta meet up at Denny’s with Strom Thurmond and John Wilkes Booth.

Suddenly, the shade of Charles Lindberg suddenly disappears just then.

Bob: This park bench must be some sort of multi-dimensional nexus.

Sally: Well, all I can say is, the After Life certainly seems to have porous borders.

Bob: Borders! Now there’s a reason to vote.

Voice-over Announcer: Remember, folks. Whatever the reason, just get out and vote!



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