Helmut Crisp – a radical Democrat lefty traitor.
Jack Haitch – a right-wing Republican reactionary bigot.
Satan or the Boogey-Man – a disruptive guy, who encourages imbalance.
Jesus or Buddha or someone – I don’t know, maybe sort of reasonable guy, maybe who doesn’t like bad manners, or logically invalid arguing, or unthinking knee-jerk prejudice, or maybe someone who just shames unbelievably self-righteous partisans into a little self-reflection, because after all people can have very different views on a matter and still not be stupid or evil [or some sort of generic really awful ‘bad,’ if there should happen to be no such thing as ‘evil’], even if they never do actually agree, because it’s not just some Pollyanna ideal of “getting along” – it has to do with common civility – like not using racist language or not insulting someone’s religion, even if you disagree with it, because for goodness’ sake (if there is such a thing as ‘goodness’), how long does it have to go on? – does anyone actually need to be hit over the head over and over again with the same old thing? – because doesn’t it seem like, Yeah yeah, we get it – you think ‘those guys’ are really awful ... now is there any other thing to talk about? – because is there anybody anywhere who’s going to be convinced by bigoted attacks? – and even if they’re actually funny, how is political bigotry not like coon jokes or faggot jokes or kike jokes? I don’t know ... something like that.
A black box, the waiting room between Heaven and Hell. Harp music and/or cries of torment are heard sporadically. Angels and devils enter occasionally, right and left respectively. Helmut Crisp is in a wheel chair, headless, with his head on his lap; Jack Haitch has a huge knife protruding from his back. We pick up the thread in the middle.
Jack Haitch: ... your pig, President Caligula. A Republican Congress dragged him to prosperity and he was just too busy getting serviced by Lewinsky to do anything about bin Laden. And as for Shrillary the screech owl...
Helmut Crisp: The problem isn’t “Shrillary,” it’s Shrubbery. Oh, that’s fabulous...
Jack Haitch: Yeah, you said that already, remember?
Satan or maybe the Boogey-Man is standing between them.
Satan or the Boogey-Man: And that Cheney’s really a jerk too, right Helmut? (to Jack Haitch) But are you gonna take that? What else about
Jack Haitch: Yeah, um, President Pinocchio, um, he murdered Vince Foster, you know. One order of eternal torment, please – extra toasty.
Satan: Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah!
Helmut Crisp: Oh yeah? Well, Bush ... um, he’s such a moron. So stupid, he is. Um, see that rock over there...?
Jack Haitch: Yeah, you love rocks ... of cocaine, crack-head. You lefties are such spineless hopped-up appeasing cowards. You love Osama, because he hates decency.
Helmut Crisp: No, you love Osama, because he’s a Saudi, you Republican oil-hog. Oh, there’s some Vaseline in my pocket! Don’t kill me for it!
Satan: Dude, that’s a good one.
Jack Haitch: The Vaseline’s in your ass, Pricilla.
Satan: Ooo, what a burn! He called you Pricilla! And he said you had Vaseline in your ass!
Helmut Crisp: Your head’s in your ass, Trog. Go bomb a baby, baby-killer. Go bomb an abortion clinic.
Satan: Yeah, war-monger! Too bad you’re not as smart as your bombs ... right Helmut?
Jack Haitch: Go pay for an abortion — or make me pay for it—
Jack Haitch: ...You pinkos ... “Down with Agnew!!” Idiots! You never saw a baby you didn’t want to abort, a gay you didn’t want to marry, or a flag you didn’t want to burn.
Helmut Crisp: Hey, there’s the Constitution – go burn it! You right-wingers hate minorities, and gays and women.
Jack Haitch: Yeah, still, just like you said before. And we hate the Constitution? That’s rich. You hate self-control ... and
Helmut Crisp: You’re destroying The Planet! Go back to the
Jack Haitch: Donk!
Jesus or Buddha or whoever sticks his head into the room.
Jesus or Buddha or someone: Hey you two, hold it down in here. Can’t you just get along? I’m listening, you know.
Satan storms off in a huff.
Helmut Crisp: Oh ... um ... well, all right. Well, first, I suppose I do have to admit, I sure do love being a drug addict. I love to degrade myself. I have sex with drug lords. Not marriage, just sex.
Jack Haitch: Yeah, but, um, all my alcohol and hypocrisy is just as poisonous, and these giant corporations we right-wingers love so much are nothing but drug cartels anyway. I don’t know why I love alcohol and hypocrisy and corporations so much ... but that’s love. Oh Enron, my sweet, sweet Enron! How I adored you and weep for your demise!
Helmut Crisp: That’s how I felt when the
Jack Haitch: Oh, that explains so much.
Satan enters again.
Jack Haitch: Well, you’re right about how much I hate women and minorities and deviants. WMDs. But they leave specks of tooth paste all over the bathroom mirror. Grosses me out. And they leave hair on the soap – long black gay female hairs. Eeewie.
Satan: Because they’re all so stupid and stuff.
Helmut Crisp: Ugh – yeah, what pigs we are. WMDs. I’m gonna start saying that.
Jack Haitch: Hey, get this: we did invent AIDS.
Helmut Crisp: Are you serious? I thought I was just lying about that.
Jack Haitch: No – any chance to oppress ... and of course get you sodomites.
Helmut Crisp: Well, we do support the Man-Boy Love Association – but you knew that...
Satan: Hey, you guys know you’re dead, right?
They ignore Satan.
Helmut Crisp: ...Personally, there’s no depravity too disgusting for me not to fight for. Anyway, I’m just a pathetic coward and a traitor. It's Awesome bin Laden to me. Not that I could learn anything from history. All Hitler taught us pansy abortionists was how to use propaganda.
Satan: Hitler! I love Hitler.
Jack Haitch: Well, I’m the one who uses propaganda.
Helmut Crisp: Oh come on. Do you have anything like Fahrenheit 9/11? Goebbles lives!
Satan: Yeah, in hell, with me, Satan or somebody.
Jack Haitch: Well, how about talk radio? Is there a bigger liar than Bill O’Reilly?
Helmut Crisp: Yes. Al Franken.
Satan: Hello? Can you hear me?
Jack Haitch: Maybe, but who listens to Air America?
Helmut Crisp: Who listens to radio? – what is this, 1930? We decadent perverts control television. And the schools. And the courts. And I really am a baby killer, you know. I was really mad when you pointed it out? But it’s true. It’s just that babies ripped me off on a drug deal. So I kill them. I’m evil.
Satan: That doesn’t even make sense.
Jack Haitch: Yeah, I kill babies because they keyed my pickup when I was at the gun show. Oh, my Silverado, my beautiful Silverado! So I bomb them. I’m evil too.
Satan: What the hell are you idiots talking about?
Helmut Crisp: Oh, before I forget, I meant to say that it’s true, that I really am destroying Western Civilization. I don’t know what it is, but it gets on my nerves, with its capitalism and Christianity and stuff. Thinks it’s all big. Oh, look at me, I’m big bad Western Civilization. Better get out of my way! And it cheated off me on the SATs and actually scored higher then me. Man!
Satan: Yeah, I get it already – ha ha, funny joke.
Jack Haitch: No, I’m the one, who’s destroying The Planet. You know how The Planet is. It spelled out a really dirty word on my front lawn with salt? – that killed the grass? The F-word, can you believe it? So I’m going to destroy it by warming it globally.
Helmut Crisp: Deserves it. Stinking Planet. I hate it too, now.
Satan: You guys are such assholes. First of all, you’re dead. Then, you’re not making any sense. And am I invisible all of a sudden?
Helmut Crisp: Oh, and I hate myself, because I’m white – white is bad. I’m just a hateful lying evil scum bag white pervert.
Jack Haitch: No, I’m the one who’s evil. A stupid, stupid conservative, very evil, if there were such a thing, but there isn’t, and a scum bag also. Hey, I gotta say, it feels good to be honest for once.
Helmut Crisp: Yeah, me too. And I’m a scum bag, too, did I say?
Jesus or Buddha or whoever enters.
Jesus or Buddha or someone: Now that’s much better. And really, you’re both scum bags. Anyway, one of you was right, so you get to go to heaven. Which one? Why, it’s you...
Jesus or Buddha or whoever raises his hand to point, and --