The Exciting Adventure of the Mysterious Ancient Rain Forest
Willam C. (age 9 ¾) – a good boy, with good parents who taught him manners and not to take drugs like bad parents do.
Crystal F. (age 10.12) – a good girl, also with good parents but sort of bad, because they’re always talking about gay things like the environment and stuff, which is important but people have to have jobs too. But they’re not very bad, just not very smart.
Patrick S. – a bad boy, 10 years old. His parents are VERY bad, and they have naked parties and take many drugs too.
Aaron B. – also a bad boy. He thinks he’s 10, but he was stolen by gypsies as a baby and sold to a formerly wealthy couple (ENRON). Now the father puts pamphlets on windshields and thinks about naked girls all the time. And he has a pony tail, which is gay. And now they’re sorry they bought Aaron, because they don’t really have family values.
Three Bears – Large, medium & small.
Two children stand facing the classroom. They motion for silence repeatedly, then begin. As they tell the story, they act it out in pantomime, with the help, penultimately, of three bears.
Willam: Okay, um, so I’m Willam. And there was this little girl once? And she was lost in the woods? And she was all looking around, all over the place, for where she was?
Willam: So whatever, she climbed out of the window cuz she was sent to her room without supper and she was really mad.
Willam: Like a jungle.
Willam: So she was walking for a really long time, and her legs were so tired, so she’s like, ‘oh, I’m so tired. When is this forest going to end?’
Willam: But it just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and she doesn’t remember which way she came cuz she’s really lost.
Willam: So then the sun goes down, and she’s been walking for just hours, so she must have been sent to her room like at , and maybe it’s summer so the sun is up for longer.
Willam: Yeah, I knew that. And so, um, then it goes down, because of the rotation of the earth, which is a planet, but not all the way down yet but like it’s getting dark?
Willam: She’s like, ‘oh, I’m going to knock on that door.’
Willam: So then she knocks on the door but it’s open and nobody’s there so then she goes in.
Willam: And she’s like, ‘hello is anybody here in this ancient mysterious cottage?’
Crystal: And then she gets some lights, I don’t know maybe a candle or like one of those old man lanterns, like the guy on the fish sticks box.
Willam: Anyway, then she sees there’s this table, like all out of wood and there’s a big chair that’s too hard, and a middle one that’s too soft and a little one that’s just right? And she sits in this big one, and she says ‘oh, this chair is too hard…’ And then she goes upstairs…. No, wait…
Willam: No, of porridge.
Patrick: (interrupting from the class) Ha! Are you sure? You’re so dumb! Maybe it was pus!
Aaron: Yeah, stupid -- pus and vomit. And old smelly diapers. And toenails and nose hairs!
Patrick: And boogers. And insulin and snot!
Patrick: …and cat jelly and dog slobber. And vegetable oil and cigarettes!
Aaron: Or like horpnast and…
Aaron: …and graglesnop, and sprinkled with skunkwart!
Patrick: And topped with cream of slugmush!
Aaron: And a cheesy discharge…
Aaron: …for a creamy filling!
Patrick: Yeah, that’s cool, and…
Willam: Shut up Patrice.
Patrick: You shut up.
Willam: No you shut up. You think you’re so smart.
Patrick: I am so smart.
Willam: Then how come you got a D on the spelling test since you’re so smart?
Patrick: Shut up. My mother is sick.
Willam: Yeah, so don’t interrupt then. So anyway, so it was these three bowls of PORRIDGE, but then the big one is too hot and the middle one is too cold and then the little one is just right.
Willam: But I guess cuz it was little and she was so hungry that it wasn’t enough, so I guess that by then the big too hot one was just right too and so she ate all of it too.
Willam: Yeah, there was only, like, um, exothermic reactions, so then she’s really full, and she says, um…
Crystal: She’s all, ‘my goodness, I’m really full, and I was sure walking a lot too, so I think I will go upstairs and go and sleep.’
Willam: And then she sees these three beds? And one is really big and too hard, and she says, ‘oh, this big one is too hard but the middle one is too soft, but the little size one is just right.’
Willam: And then she goes to sleep.
Willam: Yeah, that’s funny, there’s these teddy bears all over it.
Enter three bears, who stand idly and funnily by, waiting for their cue.
Willam: But they’re like smart, so maybe they were trained bears from the circus, that ran away or retired or something.
Crystal: Or maybe they were like a scientific experiment in a laboratory of a big corporation that was trying to make super vitamins for your brain and they tested it on these bears.
Willam: Yeah, and then the bears were really smart but then there were these side effects, like everybody who took these brain vitamins turned into bears.
Willam: Or maybe the scientists became the bears, and hid in the jungle so terrorists couldn’t find them and operate on them or dissect their brains open to find the secret formula for the transformation code.
Now the bears pantomime the action to the narration of the children.
Crystal: So anyway, the first big bear said, ‘my goodness, somebody’s been sitting in my chair and porridge,’ and the mama bear said ‘yes, me too,’ and the other one said, ‘yes and all of my porridge is gone’ and so did the first papa bear.
Willam: And he’s like, ‘oh, hemorrhoids!’ and she’s like, ‘oh, George, not in front of the children.’
Willam: Yeah, and he’s like all bothered.
Willam: With the teddy bears.
Willam: And so then Goldilocks jumped out the window and ran home.
Willam: Yeah, but before that? When she ate the porridge? It was really like the brain formula, and so she became like this hairy werewolf –
Willam: Yeah, a werebear --
Willam: And so she had to live in the jungle, but she was smart, and so she had this laboratory where she tried to find a cure, and she did.
Willam: Yeah, cuz thanks to the brain formula of the porridge, she was Gifted and Talented.
They bow, deeply.