The Exciting Adventure of the Mysterious Ancient Rain Forest

Transcribed by

Jack H

Willam C. (age 9 ¾) – a good boy, with good parents who taught him manners and not to take drugs like bad parents do.

Crystal F. (age 10.12) – a good girl, also with good parents but sort of bad, because they’re always talking about gay things like the environment and stuff, which is important but people have to have jobs too. But they’re not very bad, just not very smart.

Patrick S. – a bad boy, 10 years old. His parents are VERY bad, and they have naked parties and take many drugs too.

Aaron B. – also a bad boy. He thinks he’s 10, but he was stolen by gypsies as a baby and sold to a formerly wealthy couple (ENRON). Now the father puts pamphlets on windshields and thinks about naked girls all the time. And he has a pony tail, which is gay. And now they’re sorry they bought Aaron, because they don’t really have family values.

Three Bears – Large, medium & small.

Two children stand facing the classroom. They motion for silence repeatedly, then begin. As they tell the story, they act it out in pantomime, with the help, penultimately, of three bears.

Willam: Okay, um, so I’m Willam. And there was this little girl once? And she was lost in the woods? And she was all looking around, all over the place, for where she was?

Crystal: I’m Crystal. And so she had ran away from home, cuz she didn’t want to do her homework or something. Maybe it was a bath. But she wasn’t dirty.

Willam: So whatever, she climbed out of the window cuz she was sent to her room without supper and she was really mad.

Crystal: Yeah, and then she was lost in the woods, which she lived on the edge of these really big woods.

Willam: Like a jungle.

Crystal: Yeah, or a rain forest.

Willam: So she was walking for a really long time, and her legs were so tired, so she’s like, ‘oh, I’m so tired. When is this forest going to end?’

Crystal: Yeah, this rain forest.

Willam: But it just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and she doesn’t remember which way she came cuz she’s really lost.

Crystal: And she’s all crying and worried like snakes will bite her and spiders too, or fall in a big hole.

Willam: So then the sun goes down, and she’s been walking for just hours, so she must have been sent to her room like at four o’clock, and maybe it’s summer so the sun is up for longer.

Crystal: Because of the earth’s axis, that’s tilted.

Willam: Yeah, I knew that. And so, um, then it goes down, because of the rotation of the earth, which is a planet, but not all the way down yet but like it’s getting dark?

Crystal: Okay, so then she sees this little house like a cottage or something, and she thinks she’ll knock on the door.

Willam: She’s like, ‘oh, I’m going to knock on that door.’

Crystal: And she thinks she’ll get something to eat or something because she didn’t have any supper like he said.

Willam: So then she knocks on the door but it’s open and nobody’s there so then she goes in.

Crystal: And it’s like exceedingly dark inside cuz there aren’t any lights or anything so she looks around.

Willam: And she’s like, ‘hello is anybody here in this ancient mysterious cottage?’

Crystal: And then she gets some lights, I don’t know maybe a candle or like one of those old man lanterns, like the guy on the fish sticks box.

Willam: Anyway, then she sees there’s this table, like all out of wood and there’s a big chair that’s too hard, and a middle one that’s too soft and a little one that’s just right? And she sits in this big one, and she says ‘oh, this chair is too hard…’ And then she goes upstairs…. No, wait…

Crystal: No, no, so there’s these three big bowls of soup…

Willam: No, of porridge.

Crystal: Yeah, of porridge…

Patrick: (interrupting from the class) Ha! Are you sure? You’re so dumb! Maybe it was pus!

Aaron: Yeah, stupid -- pus and vomit. And old smelly diapers. And toenails and nose hairs!

Patrick: And boogers. And insulin and snot!

Crystal: Be quiet Patrick Savedras. And you too Aaron Burghdorf, this isn’t your story.

Patrick: …and cat jelly and dog slobber. And vegetable oil and cigarettes!

Aaron: Or like horpnast and…

Crystal: Don’t interrupt. It’s very rude...

Aaron: …and graglesnop, and sprinkled with skunkwart!

Patrick: And topped with cream of slugmush!

Aaron: And a cheesy discharge…

Crystal: Be quite!

Aaron: …for a creamy filling!

Patrick: Yeah, that’s cool, and…

Willam: Shut up Patrice.

Patrick: You shut up.

Willam: No you shut up. You think you’re so smart.

Patrick: I am so smart.

Willam: Then how come you got a D on the spelling test since you’re so smart?

Crystal: Yeah, how come?

Patrick: Shut up. My mother is sick.

Crystal: Then don’t interrupt then.

Willam: Yeah, so don’t interrupt then. So anyway, so it was these three bowls of PORRIDGE, but then the big one is too hot and the middle one is too cold and then the little one is just right.

Crystal: So she eats some of the big one and she’s all, ‘my goodness, this is too hot, and the middle one is too cold but this one, the little one, is just right.’

Willam: But I guess cuz it was little and she was so hungry that it wasn’t enough, so I guess that by then the big too hot one was just right too and so she ate all of it too.

Crystal: But not the too cold one cuz it’s still too cold. There wasn’t any endothermic reaction to make it hot.

Willam: Yeah, there was only, like, um, exothermic reactions, so then she’s really full, and she says, um…

Crystal: She’s all, ‘my goodness, I’m really full, and I was sure walking a lot too, so I think I will go upstairs and go and sleep.’

Willam: And then she sees these three beds? And one is really big and too hard, and she says, ‘oh, this big one is too hard but the middle one is too soft, but the little size one is just right.’

Crystal: And she’s all, ‘my goodness, this little bed is so comfortable and so soft, but firm too, just right. I really like this little bed.’

Willam: And then she goes to sleep.

Crystal: And she’s in this little bed that’s so comfortable, cuz maybe there’s like little teddy bears on it.

Willam: Yeah, that’s funny, there’s these teddy bears all over it.

Crystal: So anyway, so what this house is, is that it’s the house of these three wild bears.

Enter three bears, who stand idly and funnily by, waiting for their cue.

Willam: But they’re like smart, so maybe they were trained bears from the circus, that ran away or retired or something.

Crystal: Or maybe they were like a scientific experiment in a laboratory of a big corporation that was trying to make super vitamins for your brain and they tested it on these bears.

Willam: Yeah, and then the bears were really smart but then there were these side effects, like everybody who took these brain vitamins turned into bears.

Crystal: Like a virus or something, so the scientists hid these bears in the rain forest.

Willam: Or maybe the scientists became the bears, and hid in the jungle so terrorists couldn’t find them and operate on them or dissect their brains open to find the secret formula for the transformation code.

Crystal: Yeah, that’s cool. And it was like a family of scientists.

Willam: Yeah.

Now the bears pantomime the action to the narration of the children.

Crystal: So anyway, the first big bear said, ‘my goodness, somebody’s been sitting in my chair and porridge,’ and the mama bear said ‘yes, me too,’ and the other one said, ‘yes and all of my porridge is gone’ and so did the first papa bear.

Willam: And he’s like, ‘oh, hemorrhoids!’ and she’s like, ‘oh, George, not in front of the children.’

Crystal: But there’s just one though.

Willam: Yeah, and he’s like all bothered.

Crystal: And then one of them said, ‘I bet she’s upstairs!’ and they all ran upstairs and there she was asleep.

Willam: With the teddy bears.

Crystal: And the big papa bear said, ‘my, somebody has been messing up my blanket or jumping on my bed or something,’ and the middle bear said, ‘yeah, me too,’ and the other baby bear exclaimed, ‘and here she is too in my bed asleep!’

Willam: And so then Goldilocks jumped out the window and ran home.

Crystal: And then from then on she always did her homework or took baths or whatever.

Willam: Yeah, but before that? When she ate the porridge? It was really like the brain formula, and so she became like this hairy werewolf –

Crystal: No, a werebear!

Willam: Yeah, a werebear --

Crystal: And the porridge was GMO with a virus ... like, Genetically Modified, um, Organisms, with DNA, which is Deoxyribo Nucleic Acid.

Willam: And so she had to live in the jungle, but she was smart, and so she had this laboratory where she tried to find a cure, and she did.

Crystal: And she cured AIDS too.

Willam: Yeah, cuz thanks to the brain formula of the porridge, she was Gifted and Talented.

Crystal: Yeah, like us.

They bow, deeply.

FIN