The Mysterious Office of Doctor Frankenstein!!!

Dramatis Personae

Dr. Victor Frankenstein – a surgeon

Ygor Goldblat – an office-manager

Jojo Frankenstein – the monster

Judy Frankenstein – the Doctor’s mother

Doctor Victor Frankenstein (slim, 35), wearing an open lab coat over a stylish vest, sits at his desk speaking on the telephone.

Dr. Frankenstein: Yes, yes. And remember Mrs. Henderson, don’t squeeze them or they’ll get infected. Bye-bye now. (hangs up – arranges some papers) Ygor! Come here!

Ygor Goldblat, a twisted Quasimodo-like hunchback dressed in a conservative pin-stripe suit, shuffles in.

Ygor: Yes, master?

Dr. Frankenstein: Type a letter! And be quick about it!

Ygor: Yes, master.

Dr. Frankenstein: Idiot! I’ve told you a thousand times! It’s Doctor Frankenstein! Now get to it!

Ygor: Yes, yes Doctor!

Ygor shambles across the office and sits at the typewriter, feeds in a piece of paper, then types as Frankenstein dictates.

Dr. Frankenstein: Dear Amenhotep-Ra, comma, the Radiant, comma, crocodile, big eye, two serpents over a hand, dash. In reference to your inquiry of the seventeenth I regret—

Ygor: Please, master, no I mean doctor, it’s too fast. I have no fingers on this hand (holding up his left hand, its fingers webbed together) – it’s for the space bar only.

Dr. Frankenstein: Space bar? Ah, that reminds me, send Lord Zoltan of planet Quintax VI a bottle of pink Chablis from my private reserve. It’s his son’s bar mitzvah—

Ygor: He’s so touchy.

Dr. Frankenstein: Can’t have him riling up the zombies again. What is he, on Outer Space Plan number 37 by now? God, what a loser. Now, keep up, or it’s the lash for you!

Ygor: Yes, master doctor.

Dr. Frankenstein: Where was I?

Ygor: “…inquiry of the seventeenth, I regret—”

Dr. Frankenstein: —I regret that botox could do little for your condition, period. I recommend intensive massage with wood polish, and pickling yourself in a tincture of tanis leaves, period. Please do be aware that this office specializes in plastic surgery, not … furniture restoration— (laughs maniacally)

Ygor: ( typing) “—ha ha ha ha ha.”

Dr. Frankenstein: No, idiot, don’t— Ach! I’d’ve fired you years ago if it weren’t for the Bavarian-American’s with Hunchback Disabilities Affirmative Action Act. Now, strike the laugh.

Ygor: Yes, yes – no laughing.

Dr. Frankenstein: And strike that furniture crack too. After all he was Pharaoh 3000 years ago, and still has powerful Republican connections.

Ygor: (bridling at the political jibe) Yes, Doctor Frankenstein.

Dr. Frankenstein: God, these people. What am I, a taxidermist? (whiny voice) ‘Oh Doctor Frankenstein, my skin has turned to crepe paper – how do I hold in my spleen?’

Ygor: Elmer’s Glue?

They laugh.

Dr. Frankenstein: Sign it, “Yours very truly, Herr Doktor Professor Victor Wolenzcroft von Frankenstein.”

There is a groaning noise off stage, and Jojo Frankenstein lurches enormously in, wearing bunny p.j.’s – a doll in a pink pinafore is in one hand and a look of consternation haunts his eyes.

Jojo: Gaaarraahh!

Dr. Frankenstein: Jojo, it’s past your bed time.

Jojo: Urrrgh!

Dr. Frankenstein: Oh, you poor baby. A nightmare.

Jojo: Aaarrggh!

Dr. Frankenstein: Well, sweetie, come tell me all about it.

The Doctor motions, and Jojo comes and perches on his lap.

Jojo: Oorraagh, aaahhnngg, hurrrruaah.

Dr. Frankenstein: Oh, no! A monster?

Jojo: Hunngggh!

Dr. Frankenstein: Bulging red eyeballs? Ooo, how frightening! But you know there are no monsters. You be papa’s brave little man and go back to bed, Jojo. Love you, sugar plum.

Jojo is comforted, starts to leave, comes back for a kiss, starts to leave, pauses.

Jojo: Aaggrrah?

Dr. Frankenstein: Alright, honey boy, but you have to be quiet – papa is working.

Jojo busies himself playing with his dolly.

Dr. Frankenstein: Ygor! Did you get me that fresh brain I wanted?

Ygor: No, doctor master.

Jojo: (anguished) Graaahaah!

Dr. Frankenstein: No, no, sweetie, it’s not for you – your brain is perfect. I love your genius brain. Ygor! – Get it. A fresh one-- and make sure it’s not criminally insane this time. I swear to god – how many evil brains are there?

Ygor: But they’re on sale.

Dr. Frankenstein: What, at Brain Barn? How hopeless are you? I swear to god I think they’re selling monkey brains. That would explain the public masturbating. Go to The Cerebrum-Porium. And pick up some fresh blood – not O positive, for once. And eight pounds of liver. Hurry, before they close.

Ygor: Yes, master. Sorry master.

Dr. Frankenstein: Doctor! Doctor, idiot!

Ygor: Yes, Doctor.

A knock at the door.

Dr. Frankenstein: Get the door, and for god’s sake, make an effort!

Ygor slouches to the door and opens it. Judy Frankenstein enters – an aging matron, mid-town yentl. Jojo reacts to her voice with exaggerated joy, clapping and hopping with delight.

Judy: Oh Ygor, how are you! You’re looking well.

Ygor: Thank you, Mrs. Frankenstein.

Judy: And Lorain and the twins? She’s not still shpilkes about her lycanthropy, poor thing?

Ygor: Such is life, Mrs. Frankenstein.

Judy: It should happen to a dog. Oh!

Ygor: Tush. So many worse things – heart worm, mange—

Judy: So true, so true. Well it’s only three nights a month – think of it as PMS.

Ygor: She’s stopped drinking from the toilet. And we race her at the track – pick up some extra cash. Pays for the electrolysis.

Judy: So it evens out, what more can you hope. So my son the doctor is here?

Ygor: Come, please, he’s right here. Good evening, Mrs. Frankenstein. (exits)

Judy: Give my love. (to Dr. F.) Ach! There he is. Come here, bubee, kiss your mother.

Dr. Frankenstein: Mama, what’re you doing here? I’ve got a NARAL fund-raiser—

Judy: This is how you say hello? Well, my little luftmentsh, I couldn’t wait. A baby bird told me there’s going to be a wedding?

Dr. Frankenstein: Jojo, it’s time for bed – I’ll tuck you in, in a bit. Kiss meemoosh goodnight and off you go.

Jojo rushes to Judy, gives her a monstrous hug, and exits reluctantly. Judy is clearly not infatuated with Jojo.

Judy: (to Dr. F.) A wedding, and you don’t even tell your own mother?

Dr. Frankenstein: Um, well—

Judy: I have to hear it from some shmendrek on the street? Ach, never mind. So who is she? Not that Lefkowitz girl I hope to god.

Dr. Frankenstein: No. Ma—

Judy: Thank god! What a chaza! So who? Who’s going to fill my heart with nakhes at long last now I’m nearly dead with age and worry?

Dr. Frankenstein: Um, mama, it’s not a girl.

Judy: So what, an old lady? Mrs. Lublinsky maybe? – already she’s gone through four husbands.

Dr. Frankenstein: No. Mama, remember when I was a foreign exchange student—

Judy: Oy, don’t remind me. You were young, you made a mistake, it’s in the past.

Dr. Frankenstein: No mama, it’s who I am. I’m gay, mama!

Judy: You were confused, it happens.

Dr. Frankenstein: Mama! Just love me for who I am! I’m gay.

Judy: “Gay” – what is this “gay”? Why can’t you just marry a nice girl, like your brother Herschel? You always have to be different. What kind of a man makes a man for himself out of dead body parts that he finds god knows where like a ganef. Like some traifnik, it’s unclean, it’s unnatural. And that woman you made? No wonder you’re a gay if you think that’s what a woman looks like. You didn’t even give her a k’nish!

Dr. Frankenstein: She wasn’t for me, mama, she was for Jojo.

Judy: Well you gave him a groisser schlong you could beat a carpet with. I should know – I changed enough his gigantic diapers. My god, he’s a bulvan!

Dr. Frankenstein: Yeah, whatever, I get it already.

Judy: So this is what you like? It’s sick, it’s perverted. Oh god, I don’t even want to think about it!

Dr. Frankenstein: I didn’t even want you to know, mama. I know how you are. I just wish you could be happy for me, but even if you can’t, we’re flying to Boston, and we’re honeymooning in South Beach because he loves the nightlife there and we’re going to be happy together, and that’s that, period.

Judy: Oh, a dagger, it’s a dagger in my heart! So who? That fremder? You can’t even be with your own people? My god, it’s what I feared most, that shaigitz faigelah.

Dr. Frankenstein: Ma, I’m not gonna have you talking like that! He’ll hear—

Judy: So he’s got his claws in you—

Dr. Frankenstein: I felt this way a long time before I met him.

Judy: Gevald! So bitter! That paskudnik! A little orthodontia wouldn’t hurt in his fat pisk.

Dr. Frankenstein: Farmach dos moyl! I love him, mama, and he’s the man I’m going to marry and that’s that! Period.

Judy: I should curl up and die. It’s too much. First Herschel has his terrible accident and loses his baitsim and can’t have children, and now this.

Dr. Frankenstein: I offered to get him a new pair.

Judy: Please! From who? Some schlamazl? You couldn’t give your mama a grandchild of her own? I’ll just dry up like an old termite mound, because that’s what I am alone in my old age without grandchildren!

Dr. Frankenstein: I’ll make one for you, mama, I’ll make one. I’m just now getting a new brain.

Judy: God no! Another golem is too much to bear! How glad I am your poor father isn’t here to see this may he rest in peace. Oh, it’s too much, too much! I can’t go on! You – you’re – you are dead, dead to me! And I’ll die alone in the dark and the cold. (exits hysterically)

A few moments pass while Doctor Frankenstein moves about in agitation, then the phone rings – he answers.

Dr. Frankenstein: Yes? (beat) No Mrs. Henderson, I told you already just keep applying the ointment. (beat) Well save me a sample. Now you must please excuse me but I’m very busy. Good night. (hangs up)

From another room, a gay Bela Lugosi voice:

Dracula: (seductively) Oh Victor, I’m waiting for you. Come, my hot monster-maker boi, come to me and tickle your little impaler! I want to s— (suck your [blood]—)

Dr. Frankenstein: Coming already, Vlad, I’m coming!

End