­That Wacky Mahdi

Osama bin Laden is sitting in a cave, taping a speech.

Osama bin Laden: Cursed be his name, the Satan Bush re-stole the American-pig election somehow, despite my endorsement of the heroic John Kerry. Bile, which is the fluid found in spleens as I believe, will flood the gutters of the Great Satan, by which I mean America this time, not Bush, who is also Satan, but not “Great.”

Michael Moore: An…cut. Oh, Osama! That wuz fuckin inspyerd! Now duh worl’ll hate shitty supposably “grate” America evin moore, if such a thing wuz possable, which it fucken aint. Almose as much as me an you, if such a thing was fuckun posaball, but itz not, cuz [to the camera] Americuz a dick, an [wagging a finger] you shood hate it to. Im Michael Moore, an this messudj has bin browt too u bi MoveOn Dot Org.

George Clooney: And…cut. Okay, Mike, that was great. You too, OBL.

Osama: Thank you, George. [to Susan Estridge] Susan, get me an Evian.

Estridge: Yes sir, sure thing Mr. bin Laden, sir. Would you like one too, Mr. Clooney? Mr. Soros? Heh heh.

They shake their heads.

Moore: Git me a Jolt.

Estridge scurries off.

Hillary Clinton: What a honking toad. [to Osama] I’d like you to rework some of that middle bit – this needs to translate. My opinion, speaking as a powerful orator, is that it wasn’t purple enough – flowery is powerful. Flowerful … write that down, Wolf. And more screeching. It’s about the hatred.

Osama: So when I say, about when the monkey Bush stole Florida, maybe I could say that Orlando will drown in hurricanes of virgin blood from hell where Iblis devours the entrails of infidels and…

Moore: Thatz fuckon awesum, butt du we got duh bujit fer duh FX?

Hillary: I’m liberal elite darling Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Clooney: I’m leftist Hollywood prettyboy powerhouse George Clooney... or maybe Oliver Stone.

George Soros: I’m socialist billionaire George Soros…or maybe Harold Ickies.

Osama: I am Osama bin Laden

Estridge returns, holding an Evian bottle.

Moore: [shaking his head] Yeah, wut wuz i fuccun thincken. its jus im … i hayte Ammarruca sow mutch ... duh thawt uv fuken Bush an thoez fuckan Crischun bigutz…

Estridge: Yeah.

Hillary: Ugh. His excruciating personality.

Osama: Ugh. Anyone but Bush.

Hillary: Doesn’t that moron get it? War is not the answer.

Soros: That is so true. War is not the answer.

Moore: Thas rite. Warr aint duh ansar.

Estridge: Yeah. Heh heh. War’s not the answer – that’s what we’re saying, right?

Osama: That is correct. Terrorism is the answer.

They all stand in doleful silence as a clock ticks loudly, both nodding and shaking their heads in agreement.

Moore: wee wuz wureed ubowt u, Osama, we dint heer nuthen fer soe lawng—

Estridge: Yeah. Heh heh.

Hillary: We don’t want to lose you, Osama. You’re terrific. You’re the model of what we intelligent progressives love to tolerate. Nobody thinks locally and acts globally like you do.

Moore: Yeah, Osama. Fukc! Haoo kan u b sow fucqen, pashunutlie, fuccune pashawnit?

Estridge: Yeah!

Soros: Yes, tell us, do!

Osama: How? Well, listen up, gang, and I will tell you…

To the tune of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General.” They stomp feet, slap knees, and play spoons, whiskey jug and wash board; during the bridge Moore and Estridge alternate singing “fuck” and “yeah/heh.”

Osama:	I am the very model of a cruel medieval cleric, all The imams are astounded at my aptitude barbarical; My penchant for the bellicose – a savage wrath and atrocious – It’s passion quite precocious: I am frightfully ferocious.
Moore: Hillary: Osama:	A Western Coalition fuckin’ checked Saddam’s ambition And Crusaders and their superstition stayed without permission. This unbearable condition, infidels so unsubmissional?— Abominal pollution, not to mention impositional!
All: Moore/ Estridge:	Abominal pollution, not to mention imposition! And only one solution: not to offer opposition, But to flee his retribution when he gave his admonition! fuck-yeah-fuck-yeah, etc.
Osama: Hillary: Soros: Osama:	It’s a sacred supposition and it bears the repetition. There’s a need for both sedition and unceasing demolition. And in short in matters injudicious … … horrifyingly malicious, Surreptitiously pernicious … … I’m the man who’s most vicious.
All:	In short in matters injudicious, horrifyingly malicious, Surreptitiously pernicious, he’s the man who’s most vicious.
	_______________
Estridge: All: Moore: Estridge:	I’m biased and a shameless liar but a Lefty so I’m right! It may be true we’re blind to truth but that bin Laden’s out-of-sight! Osama is my hero, fuck, he’s such a fuckin’ Minuteman! And if you rubes don’t think it’s so, just wait until I spin it, man!
Hillary: Soros: Osama : Hillary: Moore:	So let’s tell lies about this war of Bush, who knew … … He knew ... … It's true. ’Cause I agree with Michael Moore; and I detest the U.S. too! America’s so fuckin’ shitty that I want to fuckin’ puke - I think it’s just a fuckin’ pity that Osama’s got no nuke.
All: Moore/ Estridge:	George Bush has left this shitty country in a disunited state, And though we’d rather this land stick it, here’s the thing to make it great: Just vote the Hillary-Osama ticket in Two Thousand Eight! fuck-yeah-fuck-yeah, etc.
Soros: Moore: Hillary: Soros: All:	A billion for MoveOn dot Org I’ll spend to get a full relief; I couldn’t buy it for Al Gore - I’ll blow my wad for a Caliph! We’ll tolerate agreement! … … You object? … … Fermais la buche! We pinkos are quite veh’ment: we’ll take anyone but Bush.
All:	And though we loathe this shitty land we’ve just the thing to make it great: We’ll vote Osama! – he’s the man we want in Two Thousand and Eight! ______________
Hillary: Moore: Soros: Osama:	He hastens with celerity and speaks it with all verity: He means with fuckin’ clarity to practice his barbarity. Compassion or its parity? – he’s unfamiliarity; I seared my heart of charity – it was an albatrossity.
Osama: Soros: Hillary: Osama:	With Allah’s generosity, my pure religiosity With terminal velocity conceived a grim curiosity; With virtuous monstrosity his Wahabic ferocity Revealed its animosity: a Twin Towers atrocity!
All: Moore/ Estridge:	Revealed its animosity: a Twin Towers atrocity! To state with stern loquacity his Islamist philosophy He planned with grave audacity a Twin Towers atrocity! fuck-yeah-fuck-yeah, etc.
Osama:	Now when I bring destruction (mass), and death, and hell - oh, when I’m done With dirty nukes and sarin gas you won’t remember Nine One One. In short I hate – it’s plainly true – the Christian most, and more the Jew; I hate George Bush and Cheney too, but not as much as I hate you.
All:	In short he hates – it’s plainly true – the Christian most, and more the Jew; He hates George Bush and Cheney too, but not as much as he hates you. And though we loathe this shitty land we’ve just the thing to make it great - We’ll vote Osama! - he’s the man we want in Two Thousand and Eight! His penchant for the bellicose is frightfully barbaric, And in short he is the model of a cruel medieval cleric.

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