Born the First Sunday of Last Month
In the Garden of Eden.
Adam squats, trying to start a fire with a stone. Eve stands watching, holding a basket.
Adam: I don’t know what it’s going to be, but I’ll call it “fire.” Or “music.”
Eve: Gosh, Adam, you’re so smart.
Adam: Yes, I know.
Eve jogs the basket.
Eve: Um, what’s this called again?
Adam: I told you yesterday, Eve. It’s a “basket.” Pay attention. You’re over a month old already. Act it, will you?
Eve: Well pardon me, Mr. All-Superior-Acting.
Adam: Let’s not get into this again, okay?
Eve: And you don’t have to be so grumpy.
Adam: Look, I’m sorry. It’s just…I’m so busy – do you know how many animals I haven’t named yet? I’m just now getting to the Darwin finches.
Eve: Well, I – I have stuff on my mind too, you know.
Adam: Something small, I expect.
Eve: Ha ha. So I went for a walk today? Oh, here, have some.
She holds out a piece of fruit from the basket. Adam takes it and eats.
Eve (cont’d): Anyway, I was admiring myself in a puddle? – thinking about how pretty I am and stuff, and how long and shiny my hair is, and my lovely bosoms, and how hot it is to be naked all the time and stuff.
Adam: “Naked?” What – what do you mean, “naked?”
Eve: You know.
Adam: No, no I don’t know.
Eve: You know, like with your thing, there. (pointing)
Adam: (looking down) What thing?
Eve: You know, your little thing.
Adam: What “little thing.”
Eve: You know. Your – your dormouse.
Adam: What in creation are you talking about?
Eve: Your little pink serpent there.
Adam: Serpent? What about the serpent? I told you to stay away from him.
Eve: Oh, that reminds me! So I was talking to the serpent?
Adam: What?! You were talking to the serpent? I expressly told you never to talk to him!
Eve: Oh you grouchy. What’s the big deal?
Adam: Eve. Eve. Do you, do you remember Tuesday, when the salamander told you to eat mud?
Adam: Do you remember when that trilobite told you to see how many lima beans you could stuff up your nose?
Eve: Um – sort of, I guess.
Adam: Yeah, I guess, sort of.
Eve: Well, if you weren’t always so busy, always running around naming things and stuff, I wouldn’t have to talk to all these icky slimy things…
Adam: Look, I’ve got things to do – important things, alright?
Eve: You know, you’re only five weeks older than me.
Adam: “Only?” I’m twice your age.
Eve: Well that’s not so much.
Adam: Well, I was married to Lilith, you know. That’s a lot!
Eve: Will you please stop harping about your ex? Anyway, I wouldn’t go around bragging about being married to a demon. (making a scary demon-face)
Adam: Whatever. The point is, if you get into that much trouble when you listen to invertebrates... (pauses meaningfully) So that’s why I told you not to talk to, oh, say, the SERPENT!
Eve: Oh, that reminds me! So I was talking to the serpent? And I ate this new fruit? It was really good!
Adam: (beat) What – what “new fruit”?
Eve: You know, silly.
Adam: There are no new fruits. We’ve had them all. We’ve had every fruit there is, in every combination – fruit salad, fruit bouillabaisse, tofu fruit—
Eve: You know. The one with the red? It has seeds.
Adam: What are you saying?
Eve: Gee, it was really yummy! Really juicy and sweet. You just had some.
Adam: (slowly) Eve, are you trying to tell me you ate of the forbidden tree? And you gave it to me?
Adam: The tree, the tree, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Adam: The one in the middle of the garden! The one I expressly told you never to eat from!
Eve: Oh, yeah, that’s the one.
Adam: You did?! After I expressly, I, I—
Eve: I forgot. And he said – the serpent said just go ahead.
Adam: What?! You ate it because the serpent said to? After I expressly told you not to? Not to talk to him, and not to eat that fruit?
Eve: What’s the big deal?
Adam: What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal? Um, uh, oh, how about death? How about entropy and absolute zero and Black Holes and the Big Crunch? How about hell, and death and disease and suffering and death and hell? How, how, how ’bout, how ’bout—
Eve: Say it don’t spray it.
Adam lapses into stunned silence.
Eve (cont’d): What’s the big deal. It was yummy, wasn’t it?
Eve: I’m gonna call it the “grumpy-man fruit.”
Adam: (dully) No, Eve. I’m the one who names things. Damn. Now we’re gonna have to hide from God. And I’ll never hear the end of this from Lilith.