Decline & Fall

Ancient Rome:

Septumus and Interruptus are walking in the market place when they encounter Pedophilius.

Interruptus: Ave, Pedophilius.

Pedophilius: Ave, Interuptus. My, if it isn’t Septumus – deviated Septumus.

Septumus: Yeah, Pedophilius, that was funny, the first X-V-I times you said it. Still scrubbing up bull guts at the Taurobolium?

Pedophilius: I’m so over that. Mithra’s a dick. I’m into Cupid now, all the way! A cultus with a naked boy as its demiurge? – where do I sign!?!

Interruptus: Yeah, I heard you got a gig as raisin-peeler for Emperor Nero’s favorite catamite?

Pedophilius: And who did I sleep with to get that job? Don’t ask! But it was Nero.

Interruptus: They say he’s a wife to every man, and a husband to every monkey.

Pedophilius: Deliciously decadent. What a time to be alive. Oh, that reminds me. I heard the funniest joke in the slave market. Have I told it?

Septumus: Is it funny?

Pedophilius: Ever so.

Septumus: Then you haven’t told it.

Interruptus: Tell it.

Pedophilius: How many Neros does it take to burn a Christian?

Septumus: I’ve heard this one.

Interruptus: I don't know. How many Neros does it take to burn up a Christian?

Pedophilius: Just one, but he has to burn down Rome to do it. (laughs)

Septumus: That’s in very poor taste. My brother Hippopotamus was crucified as a Christian last Saturnalia.

Pedophilius: You’re really the life of the orgy, aren’t you.

Interuptus: So Pedophilius, I saw you at the slave market.

Pedophilius: I heard you bought a lovely blond slave boy. I was going to buy him for myself, but I didn’t get there in time.

Interruptus: I’m going to train him to turn spokes for chariot wheels. Deft fingers, those Germanians.

Pedophilius: Ooo, I’ll say! Deft tongues, too, if you know what I mean.

Septumus: No chance of anyone not knowing what you mean, Pedophilius. If Augustus were still emperor, you wouldn’t be quite so loud in your enthusiasm.

Pedophilius: You – you republicans. Get with the times, already—it’s the First Century AD, for gods’s sake! You’re so phalanx! It’s the age of Nero, not st-st- stammering Cl-cl-claudius – that idiot. What kind of an emperor can’t even speak proper Latin? Did you hear? He said strategerius instead of strategius! Moronicus!

Interruptus: I hate to interrupt your fascinating lyceum, boys, but politics bores me. I gotta go train my slave boy.

Pedophilius: Oh those ice-backs, how can you work with them? They’re so vulgar. I couldn’t stand them if not for their gigantic peni.

Septumus: You’re talking too much now.

Pedophilius: And they’re lazy.

Interruptus: That’s nothing a good flogging won’t cure.

Pedophilius: Oh, that’s so sexy!

Interruptus: I gotta admit I’m sick of hearing that ridiculous language – if it is a language. (makes gargling noises) Sounds like someone drowning in vomit…

Pedophilius: I did that once. Fortunately a big fat eunuch was sitting on me at the time and—

Interruptus: …but they work cheap. And they’re great for battling hyenas in the arena.

Septumus: I disapprove of blood sports on humanitarian grounds.

Pedophilius: Yeah, whatever, Sanctimonious. Anyway, don’t get me wrong – they’re thick as mud, but they know their place – most of them. Gotta have someone to pull up garlic on the latifundia.

Interruptus: Did you see Gothicus last Marsday? He only had a wood sword, and he killed two crocodiles and a bunch of buzzards. And a really fat hog. And twenty-five babies. Awesome!

Pedophilius: Oh, they have their uses. The Sodomatorium needs big hairy blond brutes just as much as big savage dusky Nubians, by Ganymede. More even, to my tastes. A little cinnamon, a little more vanilla… Mama mia! – that’s a spicy meatball!

Septumus: They come for the opportunity, not to get eaten in the circus.

Interruptus: You’re kind of a softy, aren’t you. They’re here illegal, and if they’re made slaves, well they shouldn’t have snuck across the frontier.

Pedophilius: Yeah, they’re lucky to be here at all, and if they get to lose some of their rustic retro-sexuality, so much the better – for me.

Septumus: You’re everything that’s wrong with Rome, Pedophilius. I heard you had Galen’s grandfather install a hatch in your belly so you could gorge yourself without stopping to puke.

Pedophilius: That’s for me to know and you to be jealous about.

Septumus: Coitus you.

Pedophilius: Only if we coitus Interruptus too – bac-chan-al, bac-chan-al! What, no? You’re too old, anyway. And I like ’em blond, weren’t you listening?

Septumus: Ya know, every empire gets invaded by barbarians, and they all fall. I suppose the same’ll happen to us. But do we need to become so utterly depraved?

Pedophilius: You’re so BC. You should start a religion.

Septumus: If I did, it would have a hell, and you’d be in it.

Pedophilius: Intolerant. Oh, there’s my new boyfriend. (waving) Yoo-hoo! Beowulf!

He runs off.

Interruptus: I give us another 400 years, tops.

Septumus: Optimisticus.




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