Decline & Fall
Septumus and Interruptus are walking in the market place when they encounter Pedophilius.
Interruptus: Ave, Pedophilius.
Pedophilius: Ave, Interuptus. My, if it isn’t Septumus – deviated Septumus.
Septumus: Yeah, Pedophilius, that was funny, the first X-V-I times you said it. Still scrubbing up bull guts at the Taurobolium?
Pedophilius: I’m so over that. Mithra’s a dick. I’m into Cupid now, all the way! A cultus with a naked boy as its demiurge? – where do I sign!?!
Interruptus: Yeah, I heard you got a gig as raisin-peeler for Emperor Nero’s favorite catamite?
Pedophilius: And who did I sleep with to get that job? Don’t ask! But it was Nero.
Interruptus: They say he’s a wife to every man, and a husband to every monkey.
Pedophilius: Deliciously decadent. What a time to be alive. Oh, that reminds me. I heard the funniest joke in the slave market. Have I told it?
Septumus: Is it funny?
Pedophilius: Ever so.
Septumus: Then you haven’t told it.
Interruptus: Tell it.
Pedophilius: How many Neros does it take to burn a Christian?
Septumus: I’ve heard this one.
Interruptus: I don't know. How many Neros does it take to burn up a Christian?
Pedophilius: Just one, but he has to burn down Rome to do it. (laughs)
Septumus: That’s in very poor taste. My brother Hippopotamus was crucified as a Christian last Saturnalia.
Pedophilius: You’re really the life of the orgy, aren’t you.
Interuptus: So Pedophilius, I saw you at the slave market.
Pedophilius: I heard you bought a lovely blond slave boy. I was going to buy him for myself, but I didn’t get there in time.
Interruptus: I’m going to train him to turn spokes for chariot wheels. Deft fingers, those Germanians.
Pedophilius: Ooo, I’ll say! Deft tongues, too, if you know what I mean.
Septumus: No chance of anyone not knowing what you mean, Pedophilius. If Augustus were still emperor, you wouldn’t be quite so loud in your enthusiasm.
Pedophilius: You – you republicans. Get with the times, already—it’s the First Century AD, for gods’s sake! You’re so phalanx! It’s the age of Nero, not st-st- stammering Cl-cl-claudius – that idiot. What kind of an emperor can’t even speak proper Latin? Did you hear? He said strategerius instead of strategius! Moronicus!
Interruptus: I hate to interrupt your fascinating lyceum, boys, but politics bores me. I gotta go train my slave boy.
Pedophilius: Oh those ice-backs, how can you work with them? They’re so vulgar. I couldn’t stand them if not for their gigantic peni.
Septumus: You’re talking too much now.
Pedophilius: And they’re lazy.
Interruptus: That’s nothing a good flogging won’t cure.
Pedophilius: Oh, that’s so sexy!
Interruptus: I gotta admit I’m sick of hearing that ridiculous language – if it is a language. (makes gargling noises) Sounds like someone drowning in vomit…
Pedophilius: I did that once. Fortunately a big fat eunuch was sitting on me at the time and—
Interruptus: …but they work cheap. And they’re great for battling hyenas in the arena.
Septumus: I disapprove of blood sports on humanitarian grounds.
Pedophilius: Yeah, whatever, Sanctimonious. Anyway, don’t get me wrong – they’re thick as mud, but they know their place – most of them. Gotta have someone to pull up garlic on the latifundia.
Interruptus: Did you see Gothicus last Marsday? He only had a wood sword, and he killed two crocodiles and a bunch of buzzards. And a really fat hog. And twenty-five babies. Awesome!
Pedophilius: Oh, they have their uses. The Sodomatorium needs big hairy blond brutes just as much as big savage dusky Nubians, by Ganymede. More even, to my tastes. A little cinnamon, a little more vanilla… Mama mia! – that’s a spicy meatball!
Septumus: They come for the opportunity, not to get eaten in the circus.
Interruptus: You’re kind of a softy, aren’t you. They’re here illegal, and if they’re made slaves, well they shouldn’t have snuck across the frontier.
Pedophilius: Yeah, they’re lucky to be here at all, and if they get to lose some of their rustic retro-sexuality, so much the better – for me.
Septumus: You’re everything that’s wrong with Rome, Pedophilius. I heard you had Galen’s grandfather install a hatch in your belly so you could gorge yourself without stopping to puke.
Pedophilius: That’s for me to know and you to be jealous about.
Septumus: Coitus you.
Pedophilius: Only if we coitus Interruptus too – bac-chan-al, bac-chan-al! What, no? You’re too old, anyway. And I like ’em blond, weren’t you listening?
Septumus: Ya know, every empire gets invaded by barbarians, and they all fall. I suppose the same’ll happen to us. But do we need to become so utterly depraved?
Pedophilius: You’re so BC. You should start a religion.
Septumus: If I did, it would have a hell, and you’d be in it.
Pedophilius: Intolerant. Oh, there’s my new boyfriend. (waving) Yoo-hoo! Beowulf!
He runs off.
Interruptus: I give us another 400 years, tops.